by Michele Hayes
You start by feeling like a dormant volcano with many layers of denial at your core!! Strong and silent you remain for years. Impenetrable. Yet inside the molten emotions are constantly bubbling. Hairline fractures begin to appear and slight rumblings sound. Fractures become ravines and the rumblings deepen. Molten emotions start seeping across the once calm emotional landscapes. Sliding, slithering smothering all in its path. Bubbling and boiling cascading over calm. No more to be held by the walls of volcanic strength. Eruptions surely come – emotions shot out in all directions. Loud the rumblings roar; havoc reeked onto placid pool of denial. The volcano is no more. Vestiges remain with pockets deep of demon thoughts. No more core denial now, no more mountainous silence. Replaced. Fragile peace descends around the volcanic remnants; gossamer thin it protects the once stalwart shoulders. To soften into a new quiet strength as old volcanoes do!
Michele Hayes has suffered for many years with depression and PTSD, with stints in various institutions.
She is now in a relatively stable place, though the ‘black dogs’ still lurk and circle, waiting to attack.
Oh the joys.
Hayes wrote this piece after she began her search for her son whom she relinquished when she was 19. At that time, she was told to “forget and move on”. Which she did successfully for many years. Not talking about him to her family, not telling her closest friends.
The day came when it was all too much.